1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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