Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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