i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
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I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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