Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
