I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We left the knife in your bed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
