You smell like a Billy Joel song
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
