literally had 100 drinks last night.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
