I could have mohawked her pubes.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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