I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
