She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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