Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
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