I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
