If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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