You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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