Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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