i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
