I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
