is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
