My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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