I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
