my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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