Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
