i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
