I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
