and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
