what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Never joke about your clitoris.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
