Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
