true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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