I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
