she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
