he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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