If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
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of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
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I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
be right there i have to get my cape
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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