you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
