its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
