I got chris browned last night
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
