My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
