So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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