I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
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Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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