He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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