Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I believe in your delicious
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
