you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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