I wanna passion pit in your ass
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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