My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
