I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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