I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
