did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
