why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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