I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It was confusing and full of hummus
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
