My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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