Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
