I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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