She just used a chaser for red wine.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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