I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
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You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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