bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
