Moan for me like Helen Keller
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
