No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
