i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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