mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
